glitterfish.com

I can’t tell you where this came from, but I assure you it is real.

Dear [redacted],

I know that at this point in your search for an assistant you might have encountered prospects that are more experienced and perhaps even more qualified then myself. I would therefore like to take this opportunity to share with you what sets me apart from them, something that in retrospect I may have failed to do at our last meeting. In response to your looking for someone who’s job it was to make your life easier, I would like to offer an addendum. I would also dedicate myself to helping you do your job better. I am ready and eager to commit myself fully to helping you make the most of your career and your art. I see this opportunity to be your assistant as more than a job, I see it as an apprenticeship to a professionally successful artist, and I can assure you with utmost confidence, that you have not met with anyone who will work harder for you then I will. These words might of course ring hollow in your ears seeing as how that last statement has become something of a cliché, nevertheless it is as true a thing as I am capable of communicating to you through this barrier of professional anonymity. Also I would like to touch upon one of my more unique skills in order to better represent what it is I can offer you. As you might recall I have developed quite the working relationship with the company I interned for last summer (references I urge you to call), most notably because of my ability to quickly master new tasks through observation. You who are no doubt a practical man might find the concept of paying for a dog masseuse for your two aging dogs laughable, however should you commission these services just once from a professional and I were in a position to observe it, I could acquire this new skill in order to provide it for your animals in the future, and perhaps make their trips up and down the stairs a bit less painful. A little strange? Yes. But I feel myself forced to make an impression after the “cold read” that was our first meeting. If though, you are simply looking for a run of the mill assistant to handle odd jobs and office work I doubt I am your man. If however you are looking for one whose skills are a bit more expansive I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

[redacted]

Since quiting my job, I’ve been doing nothing but working on a short film that’s to be shot in February. I updated my Facebook status to reflect that:

Andy is not working for somebody else. Only himself.

Right on cue my Mom chimed in with a loving reality check.

Jeri sent you a message.

——————–
Subject: Self Employed

Hi Andy:

Congratulations on being your own boss. When do you cut your paycheck and what are the revenue sources for your new enterprise?? (just kidding - hope you have lots of fun in the next few months and get all revitalized, etc.)

Love you,
Mom

It’s the word “revitalized” that cuts so deeply into my bones. During Christmas all my siblings were making fun of me because I was taking so much time off after only working a year. I guess hearing your snot nosed little brother complain about what a grind 9 to 5 is when you’ve been slave waging for decades just doesn’t create a lot of sympathy.

There is a barbershop in Venice called The Old Glory. All of the internet’s coolest Hollywood Assistant types get there haircut there so naturally, I do too.

On top of a good haircut, I got some excellent Hollywood wisdom in the form of my barber’s life story. In the early 1980’s Chuck was part of a thriving Buffalo New York music scene. His band never broke out of Buffalo, but he did manage to party really hard. Chuck was broke and glam metal was over so he moved to LA to pursue acting. Many bit parts and TV spots later, he was back on the east coast living with his PHD student girlfriend. His experiences with her stuffy academic friends demystified college enough to convince Chuck he needed to go back to school. He studied Traditional Chinese Medicine but ended up missing performing so much he quit school in his last year to return to acting. “I mean yeah–it’s fucking cliché to be an actor in Los Angeles but then again it’s not really. I mean what the fuck, if you want to be a country singer you live in Nashville right?”

Currently he cuts hair, performs in David Bowie and Queen Tribute Bands, and was recently in the Jack Black starring revival of Jesus Christ Superstar.

Chuck gave me a lot of gems but the partial list includes:

• Actors are really arrogant and also really insecure (”I was great, don’t you think so?).
• Don’t be scared to swim with sharks. These people are your mentors.
• His generation was told a big lie: go to school and you’ll get a good job. (”My generation lived with our parents fucking forever.”)
• Value your anonymity. There is something to be said for a person who is a rockstar within the industry but unrecognizable outside of it.
• Despite critical success, its hard to feel like a man when your girlfriend pays your bills.

“If your happy and can do something you live nobody can say shit to you.” I’ll see you in a month Chuck.

Old Glory Barbershop - 1716 Main Street - (310-821-1103)

I’m not sure yet but I have reason to believe that I am an honest to god true life victim of identity theft. Pray for me.

I blogged about Guyz Night’s Die Hard Video. Today I recieved word that per 20th Century Fox’es request YouTube has removed the video.

20th Century Fox Can’t take a joke. They yanked our video. We challenged them to a knife fight, they declined. We reposted the film on ifilm.

http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2762591

Rock.

The Guyz

I got your back if they end up taking the challenge.

It’s super depressing to be unemployed and looking for an assistant position in Hollywood…

Mail Delivery Subsystem
to me More options 7:57 pm (0 minutes ago)
I was unable to deliver to <hr@bellrockmedia.com> because the user is over their quota.

Below is a copy of the original message.

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Received-SPF: pass (mx00.csee.siteprotect.com: domain of gmail.com designates 64.23….

I went to a job interview today and the first thing she said me was “do you have supplemental income? We are looking for somebody with parents or…something else?” I kid you not they wanted to pay $100 dollars a week.

In college I majored in “Media Arts” but I studied film.

I had one 200 level class that included some of that egalatarian Donna Haraway cyborg nonsense but other than that it was all production, criticism, and industry studies.

It used to bother me that the name of my degree wasn’t “film” but the more I think about it the more it might someday pay off. What I’m getting at is that if art schools, business colleges, or journalism departments knew a damn thing about how the Internet is changing everything, they would be teaching this book.

Here are some of my favorite passages from Exposure, a collection of essays and transcripts borne out of the 2003 meeting influencers of media and technology in Helsinki.

Notions of property, value, ownership, and the nature of wealth itself are changing more fundamentally than at any time since the Sumerians first poked cuneiform into wet clay and called it stored grain. Only a very few people are aware of the enormity of this shift and fewer of them are lawyers or public officials.

Law adapts by continuous increments and at a pace second only to geology in its stateliness. Technology advances in the lunging jerks, like the punctuation of biological evolution grotesquely accelerated. Real world con-
ditions will continue to change at a blinding pace, and the law will get further behind, more profoundly confused. This mismatch is permanent.

The MPAA needs to read this book but then again, so do artists:

…digitised information has no “final cut”. As we return to continuous information, we can expect the importance of authorship to diminish. Creative people may have to renew their acquaintance with humility.

I wouldn’t get too comfortable with your perfect, unalterable, and totally individual vision because these days there is always going to be some 15 year old kid with iMovie ready to bastardize it.

Do you remember your first year of high school? Did you have many friends or were you involved in any organizations?

For the past week I have been living on the floor of my friend Cameron and Michelle’s house. I’d prefer to be on their couch but I’m a very tall dude and it’s just too short for me. Other than the couch things are great and my hosts have been very gracious and accommodating. Thanks guys!

I moved out to Los Angeles from Tucson, Arizona with buddy of mine who I went to film school with. He’s crashing at his boss’s house while the company he is interning for is out of town attending the North by North East film festival in Toronto. They have a film screening there called High and Dry.

I’m currently searching for a job—something you can expect a post on very soon. I want to work in development either at a production company or at an agency. I have a few leads and I’m working my network but so far nothing concrete. Soon I’ll start interning (unpaid) at two different companies; however, I’ll have to start making money eventually. I’m dreading blowing through all my savings and don’t know what I’d do if I ran out of money completely.

I could PA but being a PA really leads more to a career as an Assistant Director or Production Manager. Plus film sets are no fun unless you’re directing. I hate the monotony and grunt work of being on set but its a good place to meet people at your level and also invaluabe experience for any filmmaker. Besides, if I can score a free lunch and $100 bucks I’ll take it. Last year I PA’ed on a rap video and it was fun hanging out on set with a bunch of drunk and stoned rappers.

In the midst of this I’m also searching for an apartment because eventually I’m going to wear out my welcome at Cameron’s house. I found a lot of good advice for that in this life hacker post that explains how to set up an RSS feed to automatically alert you when a new craigslist post matches your search string. In my case my search string is a temporary (sublet or month-to-month) 2 bedroom (or even 1 bedroom) apartment that is under $1400 a month. Jonny is uncertain how long he’s going to be in LA and I’d like a few months in something temporary to give me time to find something more permanent. It’s been hard to find a lot of places that match our criteria but I know that if I can hold out long enough something is going to materialize. If you know of a place drop me line.

My first two years of high school were awfully depressing and very lonely. Same thing goes for the first year and half of college. However, once I met some people and got involved in some organizations things got a lot better. Film school was even more amazing. The people I met in film school are the best friends I’ve ever had. Now that I’ve graduated I feel like I’m back to being a little fish a big fucking shark tank. Los Angeles can be tough place. Traffic is demoralizing, the air is bad, and I already have two parking tickets. I’m just glad that I prepared, and that I saved, and that I have friends out here.

Moving out the LA or New York? Check out this Lifehacker post on apartment hunting.

Link.